Alucard's Secret
by Lumiale no Miko
Summary: FULL VERSION!! Yay, finally done!


Disclaimer: Castlevania, Alucard, and Richter are all copyright Konami. In other words, I do not own them. Please don't sue me, I don't have any money anyway!  
  
Summary: Alucard has a secret! Will Richter be able to figure it out before it's too late?  
  
Author's Notes: There will be major Richter bashing in this fic', so you've been warned. Let me put it this way, read this fic'!  
  
Alucard DOES hint about his secret in the game! And for all you beginning to play SoTN, be warned that there MAY be spoilers, you never know when they might just pop up. I'll try my best to skirt around anything, but...beware of Chapter 2! I will also be making fun of various console RPGs...enjoy!  
  
Brackets are gods, READ THEM!!  
  
On with the story!  
  
Alucard's Secret  
  
By Lumiale no Miko  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
The dark castle loomed in the distance, surrounded by mist. Well, one would technically call it fog...but that's not important, is it? The point is that there was a dark castle covered in a low flying cloud type of thing.  
  
Now this castle (Which was covered in a low flying cloud type of thing.) Was no ordinary castle. Well duh! Why would we put this castle in if it were an ordinary castle?! If it didn't have a supernatural beast, curse or some other intriguing thing wrong with it you wouldn't be reading this story now would you?  
  
There were, in fact, MANY things wrong with this castle, one thing was it's name: Castlevania, the name that struck fear into the hearts of men. Why though? It was such a retarded name. Speaking of retarded, we go to the next problem, it's occupants.  
  
Now, these occupants aren't the kind you're thinking about. They aren't the annoying neighbours always wanting dumb things like cups of sugar or hedge clippers. They aren't the annoying people who go door-to-door handing out religious pamphlets and preaching about how you're going to go to a hot, fiery, haven of creepy-crawlies when you die. No, rather, these occupants are blood-drinking, axe wielding, attack mimicing monsters. They ARE the creepy crawlies from that hot, fiery, haven of evil. And their leader also strikes fear into the hearts of men at the mere mention of his name...  
  
Satan!  
  
Whoa, sorry, you knew I meant Dracula, right? That's the guy we want. Forget the Satan stuff. DRACULA is the REAL bad guy here. Well, he's not all bad, he DID help spawn one of the hottest, classiest bishounen around, so he can't be all that bad.  
  
And who is this mysterious bishounen? WHAT?! You mean to tell me you don't know who the star of this story is? He is the bastard son of Count Dracula, Lord of the Vampires. The white haired, Succubus ass-kicking Vampire Prince, the Dhampire we all know and love...ALUCARD!  
  
Alucard is not alone in this story though, he is accompanied by another man of notable character. The noble, strongest member of the legendary vampire- ass kicking Belmont clan.  
  
The one, the only, RICHTER BELMONT STUNT DOUBLE!!!  
  
And why not use the real Richter? Only two words:  
  
Camera. Fright.  
  
Okay then, our story begins with Alucard and the RICHTER BELMONT STUNT DOUBLE!!! (Thereafter referred to as "Richter" or "Belmont" or even the RICHTER BELMONT STUNT DOUBLE!!!) Wandering through Castlevania (Which is covered in a low flying cloud type of thing.) And no man knows who will come out alive...  
  
Heh heh....dramatic effect, wheeeeeeeee!  
  
Chapter 1: ZOMBIES!!!  
  
Richter (or the RICHTER BELMONT STUNT DOUBLE!!!) was scared. It wasn't the fact that he was walking BEHIND Alucard (GASP!), it was the fact that there were ZOMBIES...many Zombies...  
  
"Alucard..." Richter tried his best to hide a gulp. "THESE Zombies are...DIFFERENT! Their robes are a darker shade of purple! They must be STRONGER!"  
  
"Will you stop talking in that exaggerated hero tone that is meant to mock your pathetic-sounding english voice?" Alucard said, obviously annoyed. "It's giving me a headache, and, no, the zombies are the same as they were the LAST time you were here."  
  
"REALLY?" Richter sounded relieved. "In that case, STAND ASIDE ALUCARD. I, RICHTER BELMONT, WILL PROJECT YOU!!"  
  
Alucard half-rolled his eyes as Richter charged into the mass of undead monsters, yelling all the way.  
  
BANG!  
  
CRASH!  
  
BOOM!  
  
INSERT RANDOM NOISE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE!  
  
After many such noises, Richter emerged from the mass of Zombies. Several of his hair strands stuck up in the air in an Ashley Riot type way. Sweat glistened on his brow, he looked like he was about to throw up. His uniform had ripped, showing more of his chest (Mmmmmmmm....). He was fatigued, his whip looked like a limp brown piece of spaghetti, even though it ALWATS had looked like that. That wasn't even the worst of it, the worst of it was...  
  
"MY UNDERWEAR! IT'S MISSING!!"  
  
One of the zombies laughed, it waved the white undergarment with red hearts on it in a "Come and get it!" fashion. It then climbed up the nearest pillar to it and hung the underwear like a flag. It climbed back down and saluted.  
  
Richter's face was red, I'd describe the colour but that would be wasting time.  
  
Alucard was inspecting himself in the blade of the Alucard Sword. After seeing that not a hair was out of place, Alucard calmly cut through every zombie, and retrieved Richter's undergarment from the pillar. All of this and he didn't even break a sweat.  
  
Richter stood there, shock on his face. "I could have done that."  
  
"Whatever..."  
  
"Well, shall we?" Richter asked, offering Alucard his arm.  
  
Alucard slapped his arm. "I don't care about what those people on 'the net' say. I AM NOT A WOMAN!!"  
  
"You're very masculine."  
  
"!!!" Was all Alucard could manage in response to the Yaoi reference.  
  
"What?"  
  
"N-Nothing...let us continue."  
  
With Alucard in the lead, they strode into the next room. It had a big rock smack in the middle of everything. Despite Alucard smashing this boulder's side and proceeding through, Richter managed to smack into it.  
  
"OW..."  
  
"Only you could manage to smack into a one inch wide piece of rock, Belmont."  
  
"What?"  
  
Alucard groaned. "It's a good thing this isn't a long chapter..."  
  
"When does it end?"  
  
"If you had not spoken, it would have ended then."  
  
"Too late..."  
  
"Stop talking..."  
  
"YOU stop talking."  
  
"...I won't even bother."  
  
"You talked!"  
  
"..."  
  
And so...Chapter 1 ended...  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 2: THE TROUBLE WITH MARIA OR, THE SUCCUBUS' NEW PLAN  
  
(MARIA BASHING WARNING!!)  
  
"I just don't understand ALUCARD, why did you go with Maria?" Richter asked.  
  
Alucard sighed "It's in the OFFICIAL RPG AND ACTION GAME HANDBOOK. The lead male, whom everyone likes, always goes with the whiny, annoying, yet beautiful female. And SOMEHOW the aloof male hero of the game ends up liking her. I do not know how they do it."  
  
"This is obviously a DIFFERENT game then, I never 'went with' a girl!"  
  
"I won't even start."  
  
"WHY?!"  
  
"Just..be silent..."  
  
Richter sighed. They continued walking.  
  
MANY ROOMS LATER...  
  
CRASH! The sound of pots breaking, followed by an "Ow!" indicated that once again, Richter had once again smashed into something already smashed. The sigh moments later belonged to Alucard, patiently waiting for the RICHTER BELMONT STUNT DOUBLE!! to stop seeing pots flying around his head and get up.  
  
"I'm being haunted by poltergeists..."  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"Posessed pots, they flew around my HEAD!"  
  
"....."  
  
Richter stumbled down a few flights in an effort to clear his already foggy (low type of cloud flying thing-ed) head. He stumbled into the pink/purple save point room.  
  
Alucard slouched-ran gracefully after him.  
  
"RICHTER, WAIT!"  
  
Richter was confused "W-Why, ALUCARD?!"  
  
"Richter, that is the home of the Succubus, she is the reason that everyone knows of my past and they grow on it in fanfics'."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"If you touch that, she will know of your past too! Do you want fanfic' writers to know of your past?"  
  
Richter stood before the save point. "Maybe I do..." He flashed a maniacal grin. "If they know opf my past, then I can become immortalized in FANFICS'! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
With that, Richter touched the save point. It opened up into a coffin, which closed around him.  
  
"Gah! I forgot...I'm not as thin as you!"  
  
"You said to many 'Ha's" before. And if you are going to play the bad guy in a gothic game like this, it is 'MUAHAHAHAHA!' or 'Have at you!'"  
  
"How do you spell 'MUAHAHAHAHA!'?"  
  
"..........Just go."  
  
"Are you coming after me?"  
  
"'Tis in the OFFICIAL RPG AND ACTION GAME HANDBOOK: The Hero MUST go after his co-star if in the event of a sudden conversion to Evil Ways. To either A: Destroy him before he causes any more trouble, or B: Try and bring him back to 'the Good side".  
  
Richter wanted to say something, but he had disappeared.(Yay!)  
  
Alucard slouched-ran after him...  
  
  
  
IN THE DREAM WORLD...  
  
Richter found it strange that he could only walk in a straight line and not touch any of the houses in the background. He also wanted to know why everything was in black and white and... brown?  
  
"So you've finally arrived..." A voice cooed softly.  
  
"Alu...WHAT?"  
  
Richter's head shot back from the force of the voice. In front of him was a woman, with red hair, bat wings, skimpy clothing, and VERY pixelated breasts...  
  
"Edited?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah...you're not ALUCARD!"  
  
"NO, I'm RICHTER BELMONT! Who might you BE?"  
  
The Succubus was about to continue ranting and raving about him not being Alucard. When she stopped, and laughed...  
  
Richter didn't understand why she was laughing.  
  
The Succubus went on laughing...  
  
The Succubus stopped laughing...  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"I want you to REVEAL my past so I can be immortalized into FANFICS'!"  
  
"Sorry, not in my contract..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can only do that for the prince, your ratings went WAY down after that crappy U.S. realease of 'Dracula X'"  
  
"I thought those numbers meant I was popular."  
  
"You were looking at the 'Unsatisfied Customer' numbers then..."  
  
"....."  
  
"Did somebody just use my Manly Silence(?"  
  
Both figures turned to see Alucard.  
  
The Succubus flashed an evil grin. "Now it is time for my master plan!!!"  
  
"What is this plan?" Alucard asked.  
  
The Succubus laughed "Ah yes, I simply must tell you my plan...or this wouldn't be an RPG spoof, the villain almost always tells their plan to the Good Guys..." The Succubus paused dramaticly, allowing for ample time for fans to capture her image, save it to their hard drives, and post it on websites.  
  
"I plan..." she began "To change the rating of this game so that the only people watching Alucard will be perverted old men and I'LL be glorified! MUAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"See, she laughs correctly." Alucard said, forgetting that he was supposed to be shocked.  
  
"I see..." Richter began taking notes with a pen and sketchpad that he had produced out of nowhere.  
  
Alucard went back to shocked mode. "You can't do that!"  
  
"Watch me...."  
  
Alucard thought to himself, before coming up with two reasons.  
  
"Number one: You have already tried this before, and two: Only parents care about the ESRB rating system."  
  
"What....?" the Succubus yelled "No, you're lying..." The Succubus brought forth a window, showing young teens playing such games like Parasite Eve and Resident Evil....  
  
"Noooooooo...." the Succubus yelled, dropping to her knees and disappearing.  
  
"Well, that's over with...."  
  
"I DIDN'T GET IMMORTALIZED!!!!" Richter whined.  
  
"......This is the End of Chapter 2...."  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 3: THE CAOTIC FINAL CHAPTER!!! OR, THE ELEVATOR OF DOOM!!!  
  
(NOT INCLUDING THE EPILOGUE, OF COURSE...)  
  
They made it to the outer wall, Richter whining all the way.  
  
"Were we not just here?"  
  
"We have passed through here..." Alucard said as he jumped the platforms. Richter folowing in typical RPG party style.  
  
Richter was beginning to get tired. "Why can't we just take the ELEVATOR?"  
  
"Because I never activated the elevator..."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I have my bat morph..."  
  
"I can't TRANSFORM, how did we get passed the Outer Wall before?"  
  
"It is called 'The Law of Party Gravitation' wherever I end up, you end up."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"You wouldn't...."  
  
"Why would you say that?"  
  
"You are a Belmont. All your life you have been trained to hunt vampires, you had no time for school."  
  
"True..."  
  
Alucard half-smiled "You are finally understanding...."  
  
"I want to take the elevator!" Richter announced.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"You heard me..."  
  
Richter started moving the other way, going against "The Law of Party Gravitation" Alucard reacted to this and moved in the opposite direction.  
  
Richter grunted, before remembering that RPGs usually let you switch party leadership. Richter went to the party status screen and switched the icons, giving him the lead. He swiftly moved to the top of the wall, activated the elevator, and jumped in, with Alucard following helplessly behind.  
  
Alucard was at a loss, before he remembered that this was an Action game, not RPG. The Law of Party Gravitation wasn't applicable. He watched with glee as the status screen melted away, and his leadership was restored.  
  
But it was too late...he was in the elevator...  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
  
  
They were walking towards the drawbridge. A Dhampire and a Hunter, both with different destinations in mind. Fate has willed it, and perhaps, they will cross paths again...  
  
Alucard proceeded to talk after the narration... "So, I guess you, and the readers, know my secret now...."  
  
"I NEVER would have guessed! Wasn't it hard to figure out READERS?  
  
Alucard stopped in front of an Axe Lord Armor suit, turned, and said. "Belmont, I have tried to tell you this through the whole course of this fic' NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU! SO STOP TALKING!"  
  
He didn't notice the Axe Lord Armor tip...  
  
and fall on him...  
  
As Richter watched the Dhampire grunt, struggle, and yell for release, he said to himself. "I never would have thought, after all those years of sleeping in a coffin, that he was...."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Alucard ran out of the castle, heading for his crypt....  
  
"Claustrophobic..."  
  
Richter shrugged, then resumed travel homewards, Anette was waiting....  
  
THE END  
  
What did everyone think? Good? Bad? Got suggestions for another fic'? Say it in reviews or e-mail me at kryhea@yahoo.com 


End file.
